The Awkward Gardener

I am in a quandary today. I’ve embarked on this project rather haphazardly, which is usually how I embark on things, and as usual find myself scratching my head and hoping I don’t have fleas. With two dogs and a cat, it’s a distinct possibility…I’m kidding.

See, my method for planting in the past has been to browse for plants or seeds that appealed to me without much more than a cursory glance at their little “adoption tags” as I call them. You know, that little plastic doo-hickey that tells you such mundane information as how to actually care for the plant. I’d take them home, slap them in the ground or pots, say a little prayer-slash-eulogy, and hope for the best. As you can imagine, I’ve gotten some mixed results. My best effort was years ago, when I owned a house and felt confident enough to plant things right in the ground. I started with a mass planting of Sweet Allysum that actually flourished and become a semi-circular hedge for my flower garden. I was so proud of it. Every morning I’d look out the front window and swell with pride at my short, white wall. Then a well meaning friend who owned a lawn care business came over thinking he’d help out with my yard and mowed the little buggers down. It was horrific. I came out and saw cute, tiny white petals all over the yard, like a floral version of Normandy. I sat in my driveway and actually cried. Apparently he thought they were weeds or something

Now that I’m taking my gardening career a little more seriously, I decided I would try and go about it from a little more organized direction. I am doing everything from seeds this year, since I figured if I ended up botching the whole thing it would be a less expensive failure than usual. So, I was browsing through my local Colossal-and-Very-Cheap-Lots and stumbled across the seed packets. Before I knew it I had two fists full and was scurrying down the aisles trying to figure out what to put them in. That’s when I saw them: The Jiffy Pots.

Mysterious, complicated, magical, the Jiffy Pot is something I have resolutely refused to admit existed. I’m not exactly sure what my mental block with them is. I guess I’ve always felt it was an extra, unnecessary step for people that had to have predictable results. It’s like using measuring cups instead of eyeballing ingredients when you’re cooking. Where’s the adventure in that? Using the Jiffy Pot seemed a little too Martha-esque. Plus I had no idea how they worked.

For some reason, I stopped and perused them doubtfully. I zeroed in on one. It was a greenhouse kit. “Jiffy-7,” it said. “Professional Greenhouse.” I looked around me and cautiously picked it up. I was sure some kind of flower fairy was going to leap out and scream “a-ha, she’s touching it!” I read the directions and put it back down, moved on. Came back a few minutes later. This was a really long process that involved other parts of the store, but ultimately I bought it and took it home, despite the word “Professional” screaming at me in huge letters. I read the directions about ten times. I promise you that I’m not “slow” or “special.” I just really couldn’t believe it was as easy as the directions said.

So I decided to do an experiment. I planted some of my seeds directly outside. The rest I planted in the greenhouse. I filled it up with water, waited for the magic pellets to grow, fluffed and patted my seeds into the tops, then sat back to wait. It didn’t take long. Within a few days, I could see little green strands poking through. A few more days and I had definite plant-ness! I came downstairs the other morning in pre-caffeine zombie mode, saw an honest-to-goodness leaf and did a jig right there in my pj’s.

I started off with them on a table in my kitchen. Then I noticed everything that was sprouting was leaning heavily to one side. It took a minute to catch on they were looking for more sun. I moved them closer by putting them on my microwave right next to the window. They still leaned, grew, leaned some more, so I’ve taken to rotating them and chasing the sun from window to window around my place. It’s become a very carefully choreographed dance. They swish to and fro as I reposition them, kind of like their doing a super slow macarena. I guess when they start doing the “pop and lock” it’ll be time to plant them in their permanent home.

Now this is the part where my confusion takes off. I planted many different seeds: tomatoes, various peppers, herbs, a few Morning Glories, and well, I forget the rest. The directions say to put the greenhouse in a sunny window, prop the dome open when the first seedlings start to show, and when they’ve all sprouted, remove the dome. However, nothing is growing at the same rate! Almost everything said at least a couple of weeks for germination. A week later my Morning Glories and tomatoes are already hitting the dome, while none of the peppers are making an appearance of any kind.

It’s gotten to the point where Fearless Leader has taken an interest. He chides me for poking at the tomatoes, and announced this morning that the Morning Glories were ready to be planted. He scans my outside pots and shakes his head doubtfully. I’m not sure what to do here. The directions say I need to harden off the seedlings before planting them, but they aren’t all ready for that step. I supposed I could try to put the Morning Glories in another container during the day and set them on the porch.

Either way, I’m encouraged with the progress. I wish I’d tried this long ago. Maybe the seeds I planted outside are doing just fine and will flourish as well, but I like the instant gratification I’m getting from this greenhouse thing. It’s keeping me motivated. My next step is thinning out the seedlings. F.L. told me to leave them alone, lest I murder them with my unwieldy death claws. Well, if they survive that and I don’t mow the whole thing down to nothing, I’d say I’m well on my way to success.

Til next time, happy gardening!


The Awkward Gardener